Spice it up

Whether we are talking about food or sex, it’s always good to spice things up. As we use sex toys and accessories to enhance our sexcapades, so do we use spices and herbs to enhance our meals.  Walking down the spice aisle in my stiletto’s is like shopping for sex toys in a sex shop – after all... spices and herbs are the sex toys of the food world – they’re enhancers.

Mint - Fresh mint is usually preferred over dried mint and the leaves have a pleasant warm, fresh, aromatic flavour. Just as mint is used to freshen up any meal, so does it freshen one’s breath. And nothing tastes better or enhances the sensation of kissing like a minty mouth.

Parsley- This herb leaf is most popular as a garnish and the appearance adds to any meal presentation. To me, parsley is like lingerie – just as parsley decorates the plate, so does lingerie decorate the body.  

Bay Leaves- Grown in the Mediterranean, bay leaves have a sharp and savoury taste. The whole leaves are added to sauces, stews and soups, but removed before serving. Bay leaves, like anal beads are used during the cooking but are removed just before serving (or just before he ‘serves’)

Cinnamon- Probably the most common baking spice, cinnamon has a sweet and woody taste and comes in powder or stick form. The bigger the woody stick, the better the bake.

Cumin- Available in seed and ground forms, cumin has a nutty, warm flavour. If you’re craving something with a nutty taste, this is the herb to use. We all like the taste of nuts in our mouths.

Paprika- This bright red powder comes from a mild red pepper and the flavours range from sweet and mild to spicy hot. This spice is great when wanting to create a bit of heat. Paprika, like Durex ‘heat’ lubricant, heats up the opening.

Saffron- Since it takes around 35,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron, saffron is the most expensive spice in the world, but one of the best tasting. Saffron is like those very expensive sex toys in your cupboard– bad on the wallet, but oh so worth it!

Tarragon- The most popular variety is French Tarragon, with the flavor of sweet licorice. Tarragon, like chocolate body paint, can be used when you’re looking to satisfy your sweet tooth – especially when ‘eating in’.

Thyme- Thyme comes from the tiny, gray-green leaves of a herb in the mint family and is often dried and ground.  This herb is not only used a lot in my cooking, but it’s also used a lot in my bedroom – as nothing enhances the duration of a sexcapade like ‘thyme’ – and the longer the better.

Recipe: Grilled bacon chicken

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. It’s been  a long day working in these black stiletto’s, so I’m looking to cook something quick and tasty.  Tonight, I’d rather create a sweat in the bedroom, then a sweat over the stove.

Ingredients

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 tsp italian seasoning

4 slices uncooked bacon,

Method

·         Top tip: Is your partner a breast, leg or thigh man? Well if he’s all about the breast, then  this meal is for him as it showcases the breast in all its firm and voluptuous glory.

1.        Sprinkle and passionately rub the seasoning over the chicken’s wet, sticky skin, ensuring a firm massage over the curves. Make sure the seasoning penetrates deep into the crack and creases of the chicken.

2.       Dress the chicken gently with the bacon slices, making sure it is inveloped and smothered in the bacon.

3.       Bake in 400 degree oven for 20 minutes or until juices run clear. Limpness is not wanted, so make sure the bacon is crisp.

4.       Serve along side green salad and enjoy. With this quick meal – you’ll leave the sweating for later.

Recipe: Spinach quesadillas

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and look in my fridge. A month of spending on sex toys and lingerie outfits, has left my wallet empty and our fridge lacking.  Right... with only spinach, cheese and tortilla’s in my fridge, it’s time to be as imaginative in the kitchen as I am in the bedroom and whip up something sexy.

Ingredients

1 large bag of spinach

2 cups cheese (mozzarella and cheddar combined)

10 Flour tortillas

Method

·         Top tip:  This recipe is great for when you want to try the ‘Body Builder’ position - you know the one where you start out against a wall, you straddle your man like a koala bear and he lifts you first and then enters. Well with all that lifting he’ll be doing, these spinach quesadillas will give him his strength and make him Popeye.

1.        Save the dirtiness for later and clean the spinach well under cold water.

2.       Lay gently on a paper towel and squeeze the water out of the spinach. Squeezing hard.

3.       Lay out five tortillas and lather with cheese, then add the spinach and then top again with remaining cheese, drenching the tortillas with goodness. Top with the remaining five tortillas and press together, using your fingers. Give a good press in the right spots all over the tortilla.

4.       Heat non stick pan over medium heat. Cook each quesadilla for 2-3 minutes on each side until the cheese melts and it’s ooziness penetrates the tortilla making for a warm juicy inside to stick your tongue into when eating. Make sure the tortillas are crisp, pressing gently with spatula as they cook.

5.       Cut each into four wedges and serve hot. It’s alway better when its hotter.

6.       This meal is sure to be enjoyed, especially when you lick those Mozzorella stringy bits left hanging off both your chins.

Recipe: Brown bread & butter ice cream (Makes 1 litre)

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With my black stiletto’s on, I’m able to reach for my recipe books on the top shelf. A recipe book, to me, is like reading a Karma Sutra book. Instead of every page displaying a sexual position, these recipe books are lined with saliva-stimulating food pictures  -  getting me more and more excited as I turn each page.

Recipe from Tessa Kiros (Apples for Jam)

Bread and ice cream together you might say? Well it’s like a short man with a big package. Deceptive but what a wonderful surprise.

Ingredients

100g brown bread, torn into chunks

100g brown sugar

60g butter

2 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

125ml milk

375ml pouring single cream

Method

·         With all the whisking, ice cream-making is ideal for building strong arm muscles. Strong arms can go up and down for hours, hence ice-cream makes for happy men.

1.       Preheat the oven to 200 degrees.

2.       In a processor, pulse the bread chunks into crumbs.  Press the processor button in-out; in-out at a rapid speed to make for a good pulse.

3.       Grease a large baking tray with a little butter, lubricating the surface well.  

4.       Scatter the crumbs and the sugar over the tray, and then mix together with your fingers. Clean your hands well, as there’ll be no touching of anything with dirty fingers.

5.       Bake for about 12 minutes until the crumbs are golden and crisp, turning them twice during this time. Depending on the heat of the oven, the crumbs may brown quicker.

6.       Leave the crumbs to cool and then break up any clumps with your hands. Those who are great with their hands will create better crumbs.

7.       Melt the butter in a small pan until it starts to turn a little golden. Pour into bowl to cool. After any heating, there needs to be a cooling.

8.       Beat the eggs with the vanilla. Let the vanilla arouse your nose.

9.       Heat the milk with 125ml of the cream in a pan over a medium-low heat until almost boiling.  Start off slow and end fast.

10.   Whisk a ladleful of the milk/cream mixture into the eggs and beat constantly to prevent them from scrambling. Beat hard, harder...harder. Gradually pour in the rest of the liquid, whisking all the time. Here you’ll have to multitask but it’s always good to be able to do two things with your hands simultaneously.

11.   Pour it all back into the saucepan, lower the heat to minimum and heat for a few minutes, whisking all the time to cook the eggs and thicken the mixture. Remove from the heat and cool for 10-15 minutes, whisking now and then.

12.   Stir in the remaining cream, the melted butter and the sugary crumbs and pour into a container that has a lid. Put the lid on, making sure it’s on tight.  A tight container is always better then a loose one. Leave in the fridge until completely cool.

13.   Put the container in the freezer. After an hour give the mixture an energetic whisk with a hand whisk. Hold the whisk tight, a fast whisk with a tight grip is more effective than a fast whisk with a loose grip. Put back into the freezer and whisk again after another couple of hours. When the ice cream is nearly firm, give one last whisk and put back in the freezer to set.

14.   Now that your arm is all pumped up, serve to your man to enjoy with a side plate of wrist action.

Recipe: Salmon, cottage cheese and chives on panini

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand in my kitchen. I’m in no mood to have a starchy big meal that makes me feel lethargic.  How can I please my man when I feel heavy and bloated? It’s time for something light and revitalising.

Recipe: Salmon, cottage cheese and chives on panini (Serves 2)

Ingredients

Salmon (smoked or plain)

1 tub plain cottage cheese

Chives to sprinkle                                                                     

Salt & pepper (to taste)                                          

2 panini rolls

1 lemon

Method

·         Top tip: This meal is all about the Salmon. There’s nothing worse then something  smelling fishy, so it’s important to make sure its thoroughly cleaned.

1.        Tear the salmon into long pieces, tearing one piece off at a time... slowly.

2.       As much as men would like women to have bigger mouths, we can only fit so much in them so cut each panini roll in half. Then place in the oven to toast – making them stiff.  Stiffness is good here as nothing works when its floppy, so the stiffer the better.

3.       Sometimes chunky feels better in the mouth than smooth,  so use chunky cottage cheese. Make sure the chunky isn’t funky –  so plain flavour is best. No one likes the chunky with a hint of mushroom or asparagus (especially not when combined with Salmon.)

4.        Smother the panini with cottage cheese. Let the wetness penetrate the panini.

5.       Gently lay the salmon onto the cottage cheese, softly. Using your fingers, lift each piece of salmon giving the dish some height. Being as flat as a surf board does not make a dish attractive .

6.       Using scissors, ravage the chives by cutting them into small pieces over the salmon

7.       Lather the dish with salt and pepper.  A good pinch can perk up anything.

8.       Roll the lemon on the work surface in a circular motion, gripping it  hard. This makes for a juicy lemon. Then cut in half and squeeze the juice over the salmon – making sure to remove the seeds. A good squeeze can make anything juicy.

9.       Serve with a crisp glass of white wine and enjoy.

Recipe: Foreplay Lunchbox

With black stilettos on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand in my kitchen and think...

When it comes to cooking food, one needs to treat it like sex. With great food we begin with an amuse-bouche; an entree or a starter before the main meal arrives. With great sex, its all about the foreplay first and then intercourse.  As with foreplay we need to build up sexual arousal and promote ‘lower’ lubrication, so with food do we need to tease the taste buds and get the saliva going.

But in this case I’m not talking about a starter right before a meal, this time it's about foreplay during the day.  There’s nothing better than having your man come home hungry – in both senses of the word. So with this recipe for a ‘foreplay’ lunch, you’ll leave your man sexualised energised and ready to amuse-your-bouche.

Recipe: Foreplay Lunchbox (Serves 1)

Ingredients

One banana

Containing chelating minerals and the bromeliad enzyme, this fruit will enhance his libido. (Make sure it's a big one - a little ego-booster for him.)

One packet of peanuts

Rich in L-Arginine, peanuts will improve his circulation giving him greater erectile response. (He'll be needing a strong working erection for the evening.)

One small bar of chocolate

Chocolate is top on the list of Aphrodisiacs. With anandamide, the psyochoactive feel-good chemical, and phenylethylamine, the "love chemical," it'll help your man to become excited, sexually.

One fig

As a visually arousing stimulant, be sure to cut the fig in half to give your man an 'imagery' of your bits.

One coffee smoothie

Coffee stimulates both the mind and the body, so this'll aide him in preparing for an "all-nighter".

One sexy note

Leave a sexy message in his lunchbox: "Can't wait for tonight...come hungry!"

Recipe: Butternut soup with bacon (Serves 4)

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. Even with Winter’s cold chills, I still won’t swop my black stiletto’s for Winter boots and my glass of wine for hot chocolate. So tonight, we’re still cooking in heels, but making a Winter meal. My body yearns for something warm inside me.

Ingredients

1 onion                                                                          1 large pumpkin

1 tsp garlic                                                                     1 packet of bacon bits

1 tsp curry powder                                                      2 cubes beef stock

Salt and pepper to season                                          1 litre water

1 tsp sugar                                                                      2 tsp oil

Method

1.       Peel onion by undressing it layer by layer, slowly.  Then chop into fine pieces. Fry tenderly with oil and garlic, in a pot, until golden brown. Be easy with the garlic, no one likes kissing a garlic mouth.

2.       Add curry powder to the pot for that heat sensation. For those who like it hot and heavy, add more.

3.       Use ¾ of the bacon and roughly fry with the onions, until the bacon has released its oil and lubricated the pot.

4.       Peel the pumpkin by shaving it close to the skin with a peeler, until its nakedness is exposed.

5.       Cut the pumpkin into medium sized pieces. Although some things are meant to be kept dirty, clean the pumpkin pieces well and add to the pot, smothering the pieces in onion oil.

6.       Every one like sugar and spice, and everything nice – so sprinkle the sugar over the mixture.

7.       Dissolve cubes of beef stock into the water, beating with a good up-and-down wrist action, and add to the pot so that the pumpkin is well covered.

8.       Allow to boil for 30 minutes, until the pumpkin is nice and soft. The longer the better, as nothing ever hits boiling point within 5 minutes.

9.       Using a Blitzer, blitz the mixture into a fine puree. Make sure the soup is smooth with no pieces as no one likes to swallow something warm and chunky. Then season with salt and pepper, to taste.

10.   In another pan vigorously fry the bacon - always stimulating the bacon with a wooden spoon – until crisp.

11.   Pour soup into a bowl and top with crispy bacon bits.

12.   Best served in bed, under the covers with that someone special. This meal is bound to get even the ‘coldest’ warmed up in bed.

Enjoy.