To braai - The Female Way

When a female cooks it's sexy, but when a female cooks in a man's world, it's even sexier. And what is more manly then a braai - it's cooking in a man's world. Here are a few ways to be the most sexist female cook around the braai, whilst starting the fire in your man's heart.

1. When in summer, braai naked with only your husband's tie around your neck.

2. If you are not one to wear your birthday suit, put on a sexy black apron with red frills.

3. Change the usual steel tongs with leather handles sporting tassles (Sometimes a little S&M around the fire is enjoyed.)

4. Always cook wors - men love a symbolic gesture of their manly bits.

5. Use charcoal instead of wood  as these testicle shape balls also resembles his parts.

6. Men always love to drink around a braai, so don't forget to serve him beer. But not too much, as the more the beer... the limper the phallus.

7. Only thinking of the meat, men usually don't think of salads and side dishes. So whip up some greek salad, pasta salad and other side dishes. It shows added effort, and the more added effort you put in, the more effort he'll put into the bedroom session. (The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.)

Recipe: Chicken Satay

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on.  With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand in my kitchen. I’m in the mood for something foreign. Having sex in a foreign place or in a foreign sex position can freshen up anyone’s sex life. The same applies to food - you need something foreign to booster your taste buds – and tonight, food from Malaysia will do the trick!

Ingredients for peanut sauce

½ kg peanuts, shelled                                                                      

3tbs chilli paste

½ cup oil                                                                                           

 2 med onions, chopped

4 cloves garlic, chopped

1 lemongrass                                                                                                    

1 tsp dried prawns (optional)

1 ts tamarind paste mixed in ½ cup water                                              

1 cup warm water

2 tbs brown sugar                                                                                        

Salt to taste

Method

1.        Dry-fry peanuts and pulse roughly in food prcoessor. The rougher the better.

2.       Fry onions, garlic and lemongrass. When fragrant add chilli paste and dried prawns, fry until oil breaks through and penetrates the mixture.

3.       Add tamarind juice, water and sugar. Mix thoroughly before adding in the peanuts.

4.       Simmer for 15-20 minutes.

5.       Lather the chicken with the sauce, making sure to penetrate all the cracks.

Ingredients

½ kg chicken breast, chopped in chunks (Make sure it is a nice firm voluptious breast)

½ tsp coriander seeds, pounded (give a good hard pounding)

½ tsp cumin seeds, pounded (grind it hard and slow)

1tbs tumeric powder

1 tbs sugar

1 tbs light soy sauce

Method

1.       Marinade the chicken with spices for 2 hours.  The longer the better.

2.       Prick the chicken pieces with the wooden stick and grill the skewers until slightly charred.

3.       Serve with the satay. When eating the satay chicken, be sure to enjoy it with sticky mouths and sticking fingers. The messier the better.

Recipe: Peanut Butter Biscuits

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With my black stiletto’s on, I reach for my baking utensils. After watching Alice in Wonderful,  an old movie favourite, I got inspired to bake biscuits. There’s something sexual about the biscuit with the “eat me”  note – it’s something you’d say to your partner.

Ingredients

Half cup sugar

Half cup brown sugar

Half cup shortening

Half cup peanut butter

1 egg

One and a quarter cup flour

Three quarter teaspoon baking soda

Half teaspoon baking powder

Salt

Method

1.       In a large bowl, combine sugar, brown sugar, shortening and peanut butter.  Mixing four ingredients together is like watching a massive foursome – its one big orgy.

2.       Beat in the egg.  Beat is fast.

3.       Add in flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt.

4.       Roll into medium sized testicle -like balls. Press with fork vertically and horizontally – give it a nice soft forking.

5.       Bake for 10 to 12 minutes at 350 degrees. Don’t forget to preheat the oven, before you stick in the biscuits.

6.       An added sexual option is to write on the biscuit with icing “eat me”.

7.       Enjoy!

Recipe: Little Spinach & Carrot Pots

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and look at the carrots in my vegetable basket.  Move over banana’s and cucumbers, there’s a new phallic symbol in town (or in my kitchen)... the carrot. These carrots I bought from the veg market are perfect – long, thick and big in size. Not only are they aesthetically pleasing, but they do wonders for your eyes at night, especially when you do it in the dark.

Recipe from Tessa Kiros (Apples for Jam)

Ingredients

400G carrots, peeled and chopped

200G spinach leaves

80G Parmesan cheese, grated

2 eggs, lightly beaten

Bechamel sauce:

       60G butter

        40G plain flour

        400ML milk, warmed

        Freshly ground nutmeg

Use individual pots (about 6cm wide at the top, 4cm across the base and 4cm high). They are baked in a bain-marie so they stay moist.

Method

1.        Preheat the oven to 180 degrees and butter ten little 100ml pudding pots. Get your man to do this for you as they all like a bit of moistness around the fingers.

2.       Cook the carrots in boiling salted water until they are soft and limp. Puree and place in a bowl.

3.       Add the spinach to the boiling carrot water and blanch for a few minutes until flaccid and soft. Drain, leave until cool and then squeeze out all the excess water. Squeeze hard with a good pulsating movement. Chop finely and put in a separate bowl.

4.       To make the béchamel, melt the butter in a small saucepan and let it lubricate the pan. Whisk in the flour and cook for a few minutes, stirring constantly, then begin adding the warm milk. Work quickly, whisking with one hand while adding ladlefuls of milk with the other. If one can multi-task in the kitchen, imagine the multi-tasking in the bedroom.

5.       When the sauce is smooth, add salt, pepper and grating of nutmeg and continue cooking. It should become a very thick and smooth sauce, like the texture of the perfect sperm.

6.       Pour off any water that has collected in the bottom of the carrot bowl then mix in 8 tablespoons of the béchamel sauce along with half of the parmesan. Stir the rest of the béchamel sauce and parmesan into the spinach.

7.       Taste each bowl, adding extra salt, pepper or nutmeg if needed. If you have a talented tongue, then you’ll be able to taste and make the mixture just right.

8.       Beat the eggs. A little arm action goes a long way here, so the longer the beat, the better the result. Add half the beaten eggs to each bowl and mix them in well.

9.       Divide the spinach mixture among the pots. Tap them firmly on the table to flatten the mixture. Everything needs a firm tap on a table.

10.   Then add the carrot puree among the pots. The mixture should just fill the top. No one likes a muffin top, so make sure the mixture doesn’t ooze over of the top.

11.   Put the pots in a roasting tin and add enough hot water to the tin to come halfway up the sides of the pots. Move the tin carefully to the oven and bake for about 45 minutes. The longer the baking, the better. A 5 min bake isn’t going to do justice.

12.   Turn the oven off and leave the pots in the oven for about 10 minutes. After all that baking, a good rest is needed.

13.   Remove the pots from the tin and carefully run a knife around the rims. Some people are pros at rimming, but for others - be gentle and slow as you go around the rim, with the knife. Then turn out into plates.

14.   Eat and enjoy.

Cooking shows, porn style

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Apron off, slippers on. With dinner just eaten and my man now satisfied, it’s time to watch my cooking shows. Watching cooking shows, to me, is like watching porn... with different shows being either hardcore or softcore. Not only does it get me excited, but just as porn gives great tips so do cooking shows give great inspiration.

Nigelia Lawson

Although one would say she can’t cook and that her meals come out of a jar, I personally love watching Nigelia.  Her mere passion for food and her verbal expressions as she cooks is like watching soft porn – it’s sensual and loving.

Gordon Ramsay

No man does hardcore like Gordon Ramsay. Watching his hard hand slapping, swearing and temper is like watching those hardcore S&M pornographies.

Jamie Oliver

Watching Jamie Oliver can be compared to watching a porn that is neither softcore or hardcore – it’s an in-betweener. He’s passionate and caring when it comes to ‘Jamie at home’, but the bad boy comes out in his show ‘Jamie’s Kitchen’.  And to think... if he's that creative when it comes to cooking, imagine how creative he is in the bedroom.

Guy Fieri

Watching ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ (hosted by Guy Fieri) or ‘Man verse Food’ – another American food show along the same lines, is like watching those overly-done porno’s where there’s either 10 men on one woman or extreme fetishes showcased.  In these extreme cooking shows, the chefs love to serve up a 5kg burger patty drenched in 10 sauces and served with a 4kg chocolate milkshake. And despite these shows making you feel sick to your stomach, most people can’t help but watch.