Recipe: Thai Green Curry

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and look through my recipe book.  I am in the mood for some Thai Green Curry. To me a curry - with all its herbs, spices and long list of ingredients -  is like those ‘messy’ sex sessions where you have many ‘ingredients’ in one ‘meal’ – the sex toys, the chocolate body paint and strawberries, the sexy outfits and lubricants. It’s like throwing everything into one pot, or session, and it comes out great!

Ingredients

Thai green curry paste

Coconut milk

2 chicken breasts

Trimmed green beans (always trim the green bean)

3 spring onions

2 red chillies

Coriander

A good squirt of lime, or juice of half a lime

Method

1.        Heat a wok until it is very hot. A wok is like that gold dildo, amongst the plethora of dildos you have, that you only bring out once in a while. With all the pots and pans you use regularly, a wok is a kitchen utensil that only needs to come out once in a while; and like that gold dildo... it makes its star appearance.

2.       Add a tablespoon of oil to the surface which is now yearning for some lubrication. When the oil is hot, add the Thai green curry paste and stir to release the aromas for about 30 minutes. Let the fragrance penetrate your nose and arouse it.

3.       Add coconut milk and stir until the mixture starts to simmer and all the curry paste is dissolved.

4.       While the sauce is cooking through, wash and chop the vegetables. Chop the chicken breasts into small strips. Add to the mixture and stir to combine. Add small sticks of chilli (you gotta love the heat!)

5.       Stir while simmering until the meat and vegetables are cooked.

6.       Add some chopped coriander five minutes before the meal is completely finished and stir into the curry.

7.       When the cooking is finished, add the lime juice and stir. Sometimes a meal, and sex, need a bit of zing!

8.       Served with steamed rice and enjoy.

 

 

 

 

The seven deadly sins

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I start to think about food, sex and sin. In some people’s eyes sex is a sin, but what about food? Yes, food is something we have to consume to survive but some people (infact most of them) also see sex as something we need to survive. But as one can have ‘sinful’ sex, so too can one have ‘sinful’food. Here we take a look at food from the ‘seven deadly sins’ perspective.

Lust

Lust, an intense desire, is usually thought of as excessive sexual wants but can also involve the intense desire of food. Nothing speaks more of desire, when it comes to food, then dessert and no dessert is more lustful then triple chocolate mousse cake. With layers of dark chocolate, bittersweet chocolate and milk chocolate all drenched in chocolate ganache and chocolate flakes – I lust for this chocolate heaven.

Greed

Greed, like lust and gluttony, is a sin of excess. However, greed is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of material possessions. Greed is also an inordinate desire to acquire or possess more than one needs. It’s like buying 50 cans of tinned caramel and 65 cans of condense milk and storing it in your cupboard – when you know you’ll never get around to using them all.

Sloth

Sloth is sometimes defined as physical laziness and laziness, or being lethargic, is sometimes caused by over eating. The perfect sloth meal would be in the form of a Sunday Roast. You pile your plate with 6 roast potatoes; 3 types of veg; Yorkshire puddings; rice; half the actual roast and a drowning of gravy. Stuffing yourself stupid ends up with you bloated and sleeping on the couch for the rest of the day. The sloth always has his tummy full and eyes closed.

Wrath

Wrath may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. When I think of anger, I think of heat. And when it comes to food, nothing says heat more then chillies and curry. The ideal wrath meal would be a hot curry made with bird eye chillies. Nothing says I hate you more than ‘blowing someone’s head off’ with chillies.

Envy

Envy, similar to jealousy, is characterised by an insatiable desire for something which one then covets. It’s like getting two different already-made meals from Woolworths. I get the macaroni with bacon and my husband gets spinach cannelloni. Although in the mood for the macaroni when at the store, I now want the spinach cannelloni. I’m envious of my husband and his meal and being envious results in me eating his meal (I guess I’ll have to be spanked for it later.)

Pride

This is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self. Thinking of pride, I automatically think of meals served at top Michelin star restaurants ... you know those over pretentious dishes where you need a magnifying glass to see what’s on the plate. Although costing an arm and a leg, these dishes are filled with explosive taste, like nothing that has ever touched your tongue before. The way the dishes are plated and made screams pride (I mean it takes 3 days, with constant love and attention from the chef, to make a tiny spec of puree.) Also, just looking at the dish you feel rich... you are filled with pride.

Gluttony

This is an over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of wastage. When thinking of food in this regard, it's like ordering ten supersized Big Mac Meals and only finishing 6 of the meals. Selfishness also comes with gluttony, placing concern with one's own interests above the interests of others. So even though there is a homeless person outside watching you stuff your face, you'll keep all the burgers to yourself and not share with him.

Recipe: Champagne Peaches

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and admire the peaches in my fruit basket. There’s something about a peach that resembles a man’s buttock – its firm, small, round and sometimes is covered in fuzz.  And when it comes to the buttock, it’s all about having the perfect ‘peach bum’.

Ingredients

2 large ripe peaches

2 cups champagne

1/2 cup syrup

1/2 small vanilla pod

3 large strawberries

2 tablespoons castor sugar

1/4 medium lemon, squeezed for juice

1 cup whipped cream

2 large mint leaves

Method

1.       Make a very light incision all around peach skins. Plunge the peaches briefly into boiling water, then into cold water and peel; undressing softly.

2.       Place peaches in a shallow pan and douse with champagne. (The more the better as a little alcohol in the kitchen goes a long way in the bedroom.) Add the syrup and vanilla. Bring to a slow boil over low heat and poach peaches, but do not boil them. The riper the peach, the quicker the poach.

3.       Place peaches and syrup in a cool place, but do not refrigerate. Everything relaxes in room temperature and shrivels when cold – so make sure the peaches are not cooled completely as you want them to be flaccid and relaxed.

4.       Drain peaches, reserving the poaching liquid. This poaching liquid is the same as sex lubricant – it’s like gold.

5.       Wash strawberries; remove any leaves and purée in a blender.

6.       Place in a bowl and stir sugar into the purée.

7.       Stir whipped cream into the strawberry purée and add lemon juice. (Just like every spot on the body needs to be touched during sex, so does every taste bud in the mouth needs to be touched when eating – so the sweet sugar and the sour lemon juice hit the g-spot taste buds in the mouth.)

8.       Serve on round plates or small bowls. Here, size doesn’t matter so if it’s small it’s fine. Lay the strawberry cream first on the dish and then arrange the cooled, but not chilled, peaches on top.

9.       Garnish each peach with a mint sprig. (Lingerie decorates the body and mint decorates this dish.)

10.    Serve the chilled poaching liquid separately in a sauce boat. The poaching liquid fulfils the function as chocolate body paint - it adds sweetness to the experience.

11.    Devour and enjoy. (Although not your typical strawberry and cream dish which is sometimes used during the journey of sex, it still has a sense of sexiness about it.)

Take out

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With my black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I look through my take away menus. I slave away for my man in the kitchen to make him weekly dinners, so it's now time for him to slave away for me and get us take out. Cooking is sexy, but so is take out.

KFC
With a slogan sporting the sexual words "Finger lick'en good", KFC is the perfect take out for your man as most men enjoy a little finger fun... that is good for licking. 

Debonairs
If you're one for threesomes or foursomes, you should be ordering Debonairs. This slogan - "Everybody tuck in" - is very appropriate for those who enjoy these ventures. I'm not one for 'Debonairs,' so I'll give this take out a miss.

Something Fishy
Something Fishy's slogan, "Just one bite and you're hooked", screams oral sex.  Yet again this take out is perfect for your man and after one bite of your take out, he'll be hooked. Although enjoyed by my man, I'm not one for the fish - so I'll give this one a miss too.

MacDonald's
Macdonald's well known slogan "I'm lov'in it" describes every time I eat this take out, as well as everytime I do a little lov'in with my man. So because I'm lov'in it, this'll be the take out for tonight! I'll be lov'in my food now... and lov'in my man later.

Recipe: Octopuss

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and look through my recipe books. Tonight I'm not looking at the images to help me decide what to cook, I'm looking at the names. Turning the page I see "Octopuss." Mmm.. octopussy  - the name is enticing enough. In addition, thinking of the preparation of an octopuss, and the technique used, brings more sexual thoughts to the brain. 

Recipe: Octopussy

Method

1.        Lay the octopuss onto a sheet of newspaper.

2.      Be sure to put on latex gloves. Not only do these gloves help you to handle the octopussy,  but will keep the octopuss from leaving a "fishy" smell on your hands. And no one likes fishy fingers.

3.      Grab the head right behind the eyes where it joins the mantle. Heads always deserve a firm grab. Pull gently and steadily forward, keeping a firm grasp on the head at all times. The internal organs should slide out easily.

4.      Reach into the mantle, which now is an empty sack. With a good inner fingering, feel for a hard, fingernail-like sheathing; grab this and pull it out.

5.  Gynaecologists doing a papsmear, gently scrape internally. Here, you must gentle scrape the outer surface of the mantle with a knife. The speckles on the squid will peel off, leaving behing slimy white meat. 

6.  To make sure the inner sac is cleaned properly, place the tip of the octopuss on the edge of a banana or cucumber - or any other phallic shaped food item. Roll the squid meat back over the phallic item (so the outer skin is exposed and it is inside-out). This is done in the same way a condom is folded over a banana in sex-ed class. Then once completely rolled over the item, wash under water.

  

7.       After a good cleaning, fold outside-in and cut the mantle into rings by slicing parallel to the line of the squid's back. Now in tubes, the octopussy will now resemble unwrapped circular condoms, as well as having the same slimy texture.

14.   Fry and eat with tartare sauce. Enjoy. (And for you men... enjoy eating your octopuss now and enjoy your octopussy later!)