Recipe: Octopuss

Keys hung up, briefcase down. Jacket off, apron on. With black stiletto’s on and a glass of wine in hand, I stand and look through my recipe books. Tonight I'm not looking at the images to help me decide what to cook, I'm looking at the names. Turning the page I see "Octopuss." Mmm.. octopussy  - the name is enticing enough. In addition, thinking of the preparation of an octopuss, and the technique used, brings more sexual thoughts to the brain. 

Recipe: Octopussy

Method

1.        Lay the octopuss onto a sheet of newspaper.

2.      Be sure to put on latex gloves. Not only do these gloves help you to handle the octopussy,  but will keep the octopuss from leaving a "fishy" smell on your hands. And no one likes fishy fingers.

3.      Grab the head right behind the eyes where it joins the mantle. Heads always deserve a firm grab. Pull gently and steadily forward, keeping a firm grasp on the head at all times. The internal organs should slide out easily.

4.      Reach into the mantle, which now is an empty sack. With a good inner fingering, feel for a hard, fingernail-like sheathing; grab this and pull it out.

5.  Gynaecologists doing a papsmear, gently scrape internally. Here, you must gentle scrape the outer surface of the mantle with a knife. The speckles on the squid will peel off, leaving behing slimy white meat. 

6.  To make sure the inner sac is cleaned properly, place the tip of the octopuss on the edge of a banana or cucumber - or any other phallic shaped food item. Roll the squid meat back over the phallic item (so the outer skin is exposed and it is inside-out). This is done in the same way a condom is folded over a banana in sex-ed class. Then once completely rolled over the item, wash under water.

  

7.       After a good cleaning, fold outside-in and cut the mantle into rings by slicing parallel to the line of the squid's back. Now in tubes, the octopussy will now resemble unwrapped circular condoms, as well as having the same slimy texture.

14.   Fry and eat with tartare sauce. Enjoy. (And for you men... enjoy eating your octopuss now and enjoy your octopussy later!)